Why Does This Have To Be So Hard?

My son woke up at 3:30 this morning, his brain ready for the day.

He called me in and immediately began talking about chameleons – their habitats, their care in captivity, their coloring, about all the things chameleon.

My eyes were barely open. 3:30 AM came way too soon.

And through the groggy haze, I closed my eyes and thought, “Why does this have to be so hard?

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After getting breakfast for everyone this morning, I sat down, still in my jammies, hair all a mess, and balanced our checking account. I breathed a sigh of relief that a payment had cleared and a deposit posted. I know I should be grateful that we can pay for all the therapies again this month, and I really am. But I still found myself trying not to think about how the savings account is dwindling (again), just as we head into my husband’s slow work season. And I tried not to think of all the other things I wish we could spend that money on.

I closed my eyes and thought, “Why does this have to be so hard?

I pulled out the reading practice sentences, and asked Bacon to read them. He flew through the first two. I smiled, and breathed a sigh of relief. Then, somehow, the dyslexia began scrambling things again. The sentence “The dog dug in the pit,” suddenly became too much for him. He got stuck at ‘the’. So I helped him, but then he got stuck at ‘dog’. As I tried to help him recall the sounds, he ran to his room, crying. I closed my eyes and thought, “Why does this have to be so hard?

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I heard another momma’s story this weekend. It was heartbreaking. She lost her daughter just one hour after she was born. She knew about the kidney problem that would ultimately take her daughter’s life at 22 weeks gestation, so she carried her baby and the horrible reality that, without a miracle, her baby would die, with her for weeks.

She told of the grief and the sadness, the darkness and the anger. And, she said she would often close her eyes and pray, “Why does this have to be so hard?

Six months after losing her child, she still can’t answer that question, but she did say this –

“What I have learned is that it may not be easy, but it matters.”

It matters that she got to carry a child at all, when so many women know the pain of not being able to conceive.

It matters that she is still very much a momma who knows her little girl is in Heaven, and suffers no more.

It matters that she can look at other children and smile, seeing them for the unbelievable blessings they are.

God showed her that in trial, there is also so much blessing, so much growth, so much perspective.

In our weakness, He is strong.

Instead of asking, “Why is this so hard?”, I want to tell myself in those moments – the exhausted, the frustrated, the heartbroken moments – I want to tell myself what she learned, in one of the most painful ways possible.

It may not be easy, but it matters.

 

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8 thoughts on “Why Does This Have To Be So Hard?

  1. We had chimneys before mushrooms, we also have MineCraft and Lego this end (although I am led to believe these are ‘normal’ boy obsessions… Here’s hoping there is sleep all round tonight!

  2. Thank you for your true words. I could have written this today…and most days. I have four children with “special needs”–2 cases of generalized anxiety disorder, 2 cases of OCD, one storm phobia, one case of ADHD, one case of juvenile rheumatoid arthritis, one case of vomit phobia, one case of dyslexia (using All About Reading 2 for that), and a case of dysgraphia/dyscalculia.

    I’ve come to the conclusion that the kids’ psychologist and my one daughter’s various arthritis medical practitioners need to come to saving faith in Christ, and it’s all about that really, and not all about us. Of course we have a lot to learn too about abiding in Christ! So often I say those words in my mind…”why does it have to be so hard?” It’s amazing how hard it is and how I don’t go insane (or at least not so far). It’s the grace of God that even when there’s little peace around us, we can still have peace of soul.

    Saying a prayer about the medical bills for you now.

  3. loved this post. I can definitely relate but you are so correct. it does matter. And when we can find the blessings through our trials it matters even more. thanks for a wonderful post!

  4. “It may not be easy, but it matters.”
    Thank you, Shawna.
    I needed those words today.
    Praise report for us: my husband will be full-time by November! Hallelujah!

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