I haven’t written anything new in days. There’s good reason.
I have so, so much to say, but I don’t have a grasp on where to begin. So instead, I keep posting things this week that others have written. Because someone else’s words make more sense to me right now than any I find myself fumbling with to try and explain the limbo we call life. The waiting, the wondering, the not sleeping, the comfort of knowing we finally have an appointment with a tremendously good specialist, and the tick tock of the clock as we wait for the day of the appointment – it is all here. There is raw beauty and painful messiness, unfortunate bitterness and crazy joy – it is all here, just waiting for me to find my way back to the words.
I read this post by Chrissy at Life with Greyson+Parker this morning. She so beautifully describes the journey back to normal, back to joy, back to the sun. As I read it, I realized I am also living it a little right now.
So again, allow me to share her words. They make more sense to me today than any of my own.
With Love, Shawna
I can’t remember the instant I first heard the phrase… Developmental delays.
But I can remember the feeling…relief. Compared to all the wicked things that appeared during my anxiety-driven, late night google binges, this was one I could accept with grace. Developmental Delay I could tackle. And full throttle was the only speed at which I would accomplish this most important task God has ever entrusted me with.
My precious first born son Greyson was twenty two months old. Each day I could see in his eyes that he was drifting further and further away from me. I was doing everything I could to reach my arms out as far as possible to catch him -but my fingers could only stretch so far.
I would sing to him as I rocked him to sleep.
You are my sunshine. My only sunshine. You make me happy. Your name is Grey. You’ll never know, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away.
That last sentence almost always brought tears so fast they leapt from my eyes. You see they weren’t simply song lyrics, they were a desperate plea screamed deep from my gut. Born from fear and pain and anger and confusion. That’s what it felt like- someone was stealing my Greyson’s sunshine and I was the worst mother in the world because I had no idea how to stop it.