I have always, always been a planner person.
This was true even at a very young age – I remember when I was four years old, I wanted my mom’s written-in calendar so much, I would’ve preferred it to any toy. I begged to go to the office supply section at every grocery store, just to stare longingly at the pens and pads of paper. When I was in college, I spent way too much of my scholarship fund in the bookstore. Even today, when a friend pulls out her planner, I have to take a look. It’s been a part of me as long as I can remember.
Throughout my life, I have planned away, making one to-do list after another.
Then, I became a momma.
Then, I became a stay at home momma.
Then, I became a stay at home, homeschooling momma, to exceptional children with special needs.
Then, I became a very tired, overwhelmed, have no idea what to do next momma.
And then, suddenly, the to-do list and planner didn’t quite do the trick anymore. In fact, they mocked me. Instead of being the cherished friends I had grown to love, these tools became yet another symbol of my failure as a mom.
At first, I thought it was the type of planner (I wish I was joking…). I seriously thought maybe I just needed a different type of planner – one more suited for a mom at home instead of a mom at work.
Turns out it wasn’t having the wrong planner.
Then, I thought maybe I just needed to use it differently. I spent an afternoon recreating page after page to more accurately reflect my life – changing travel pages to meal plans, and lists of important numbers to therapist contact info.
Turns out it wasn’t the way I was using the planner.
It wasn’t until our lives became so completely complicated with sleepless nights, violent, damaging meltdowns, and what felt like emotional trauma all over the place, that the truth finally sunk in.
This is our life. It is not possible to plan it away, or fix it all with one brilliant to-do list.
I slowly began to understand that there would be much, much more on the to-do list. Moreover, most of the list would be things I had never had to accomplish before.
- make it home safely after a car ride 15 minutes or more
- just make sure only things in this room are broken
- find a way to help him swallow the medicine
At first I fought it. I was sure if I just tried harder, woke up earlier, stayed up later, and worked faster, I could accomplish every single thing on my list. What’s worse, I thought my children should be able to keep up as well.
I am here to say, it was just not possible. It brought me to my knees (spiritually and figuratively).
I just could not keep up.
So, slowly but surely, I let go.
I asked my husband what was most important to him – turns out he would’ve cared less about 75% of the things I was freaking out over every day. Then, I asked the boys what they wanted. Playing with them (big sigh and mommy conviction followed) and feeding them were the top requests.
In fact, they were the only requests (now that I think about it, my husband’s requests were not that dissimilar…). Suddenly, my list was getting a lot smaller.
Now, instead of feeling like a failure when I see my huge to-do list, I am trying to mentally start checking things off my don’t do list each morning.
There’s the practical –
- Don’t worry about the bathroom today
- Don’t even look at that giant pile of laundry
There is also the necessary –
- Don’t worry so much about his reading level – just love on him today
- Don’t panic at the dentist’s office – just breath and take the next step
I find there is so much more room for joy and freedom, when I am not holding myself to my own unrealistic standard.
There is so much grace in saying, “Oh well. A perfectly scrubbed kitchen floor is just not the season we are in.”
There is so much relief in surrendering the illusion of control.
This is my life, my motherhood. It is full of so many to-do’s these days.
Thankfully, I am learning No to the unnecessary. No to the soul-killing thoughts. No to the pressure to progress.
So, what are you NOT going to do today?