Last night, just as the sun was setting, my son had an idea.
“Let’s build a fire outside and just relax.”
His enthusiasm was contagious. Although this is typically something I would not do until my husband was home (he is officially in charge of all things outdoorsy and fire-y), the sight of now both of my sons, jumping up and down with excitement, made me brave.
It was dark already (one advantage of the time change). We worked quickly and the fire soon flickered light across our patio. It began to warm the crisp night.
It was beautiful.
It was a moment in their childhood, in my motherhood, that made me want to freeze time. And, it pains me to admit, I almost missed it completely.
As I sat down with my children last night, I was surprised to find that I was holding my breath. I suddenly realized I was waiting for something bad to happen. I was anticipating something going wrong. Even worse, when nothing did, rather than embracing the moment, I found myself withholding, not wanting to enjoy it too much. Afraid, that it wouldn’t last and that things would quickly go bad again.
I almost missed out on one of the most peaceful, sweet moments in my life as a momma, because I just couldn’t allow myself to accept the good. I felt like I couldn’t allow myself the sweetness of the moment, because I was dreading what feels like an inevitable grief, that is lurking just around the corner.
Just a few years ago, it felt like my son was slipping away from us. Our days were a haze of meltdowns, violence, self-injury and fear. We lived every single day in anticipation of the next trauma. It was exhausting. It was terrifying. It was out of control.
By the grace of God, those days have been behind us for a good year or so. My son is now doing well. We may have glimpses of those dark days every now and then, but never as bad as it was.
And yet, I find myself still anticipating, still bracing myself for whatever is next.
I know part of it is hyperviligence and the very real PTSD than can come from mothering a child with these types of needs.
But there is another part of my heart in all of this that is harder to explain.
This part has a new shirt hanging in the closet for months, because she wants to “save it” just in case she needs it for something more important than today.
This part of my heart saves the good wine glasses for special occasions that never seem to actually happen, as if the delight I find in sitting around with my friends while our children play isn’t occasion enough to be celebrated.
This part of my heart believes that right now is not quite good enough. Worse yet, it has created an anxiety in me that is difficult to identify and even harder to shake.
I find myself unable to embrace the good that is right in front of me, because I fear it will slip away.
So many of my prayers have been answered. And yet, instead of rejoicing, I recoil.
I am learning first hand that self-preservation never incites joy.
How sad. How counterproductive. How unlike the mother and wife and friend I want to be.
So much good, right before me.
So many moments to embrace.
So much sacred in my everyday.
With the realization, I let out a long breath that I hadn’t even realized I had been holding in.
I un-clenched the hands I had been unaware were balled into fists.
I let go, for just a few minutes, of all the worries, the anxiety and the what-if’s.
And I surrendered, smiling at those sweet boys, my greatest gifts.
Grateful for an everyday moment, lived well by simply breathing, accepting, and letting go.