Autism · Dyslexia · Grace · Marriage

Motherhood – One Step At A Time

Mommy, that would be so boring,” he said.

What?” I asked, sighing and thinking he was missing the whole point.

Walking around that big wall, for six days with nothing happening.”

I looked down at the children’s bible in his sweet but very dirty hands.

Yes, I guess it would be,” I answered, beginning to realize my son was teaching me something about this Bible story that I had missed for years.

And then they had to walk around it seven times in a row, before anything happened. I would not want to do that.”

Neither would I,” I answered, feeling exposed. “Neither would I.”

I have heard the story of Joshua and Jericho many times throughout the course of my life. We even sang a song about it in middle school chorus, complete with hand gestures and little dance moves.

Never once did I consider the six days, in any level of detail. It was usually just the, “They were obedient and faithful for six days and on the seventh, God brought victory. The end.”

I never really thought about Day 4, or that 5th lap on the seventh day.

It would be boring.

It would be dirty.

It would be exhausting.

I would not want to do it.

MotherhoodOne Step At A Time

My son is just “off” this week. Every random or repetitive noise (enter his younger brother singing loudly about poop or his behind or both) seems to be sending him over the edge. A simple change of plans causes drama, major drama. Food is annoyingly too crunchy or too chewy, but just not right. Sleep is not happening , at all.

And so we march around this wall one more time.

My youngest has been making crazy progress in reading and writing. He can read passages aloud that six months ago were impossible, identify letters and sounds that have previously alluded him, and can even remember and type the password to the computer, all on his own.

It has been so exciting, and I am so grateful.

On Monday, he started mixing up the “b” and “p” sounds again. He sees the letter “b”, but connects it to the “p” sound. So all of a sudden, reading has once again become very, very difficult. For example, “pig” in the place of “big” in most sentences just doesn’t make sense.

And so we march around this wall one more time.

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My husband and I fought over scrambled eggs this morning. Seriously. Eggs. He likes them a little runnier than I do. We actually spent some of our precious, not enough time together anyway, time arguing over the right way to cook eggs.

He lost it over eggs. I lost it over eggs. We lost it over eggs.

I was not the kind, loving, forgiving wife I want to be – not at all.

And so we march around this wall one more time.

The boys leave again for their dad’s next week. I am getting their bags ready and prepping for the trip. I am calling JetBlue to make sure our seats are together and to request silent boarding, reassuring my little one that he will be just fine without me and his dog for a week.

And so we march around this wall one more time.

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Motherhood can only be done one step at a time.

Life, for that matter, can only be done one step at a time.

And like my wise son pointed out, marching around and around these walls can make us so weary.

Meltdowns.

Reading lessons that just don’t yet stick.

Being human and selfish and arguing with the man I love the most in this world.

Navigating a complex relationship with my boys’ father, and missing them while they are gone visiting him.

These are things I would rather not do. Period. Like ever.

And…that is just simply not an option.

I am starting to accept and understand that the only thing to do, the only thing I can do, is keep marching.

Although it is day two, or three, or thirty-three, or four hundred and forty-three, we march.

One step at a time, through the dust and the grime.

We take the next step, not knowing how it all will end up.

Walking in faith, knowing that there is purpose to it all. That God is in our midst. That He has prepared this path, long before we got here.

That He is bigger than any wall, and greater than all our exhaustion and frustration and pain.

With Him, we can take the next step, and the next, and the next.

And, the more I walk the more I see –  it is beautiful here, in the midst of all of this walking in circles.

This post originally appeared here on Not The Former Things in August of 2014. 

For more, please consider my books, now available in hard copy on Amazon.com. Thank you for your support of my family! 

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Special Education at Home (2)

13 thoughts on “Motherhood – One Step At A Time

  1. Not enough sleep here either. We think we’re going crazy. Thanks for this! I need daily reminders that God is in control…

  2. … And so we March around this wall one more time.
    You just put the words on it again…. And in the end we will conquer because of the Grace from our heavenly Father. Stay strong and may your adultweek be a blessing to you in many ways, and may the boys be blessed to.
    Love and prayers your way.
    Dorthe

    1. just noticed the comments are from Aug. 2014 — so I guess this is old news — but then again, we ARE still marching around in circles . . .

  3. This is so beautiful!! I had never seen that story through those eyes either and how timely they are for our family too. Thank for sharing this and for all the other wonderful inspiring and heartfelt posts as well. Tonight, this momma sure did need them. <3

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