When You’re Not The Mom You Want To Be

I have not been the mom I want to be today…not at all.

I am so tired.

I am increasingly resentful of all the care my children require.

I am overwhelmed by a week that seems like it Just. Won’t. End.

It feels like there is not enough coffee in the world.

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The floors are sticky.

The bathroom is a crime scene.

There is laundry as far as the eye can see.

 

A new mess was just made in the kitchen and then abandoned by my son in a total lack of executive function.

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I haven’t done my hair in so many days I forget how long it is when it is down and not pulled back into a messy bun.

I miss my needstoworkovertimetopayforallthesecrazymedicalbills husband. A lot.

My boys actually started punching each other in line at the post office today, because my oldest was melting down over the heat, and my youngest insisted it was time to snap his fingers and annoy him.

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When You’re Not The Mom You Want To Be

Sigh. Big, long sigh.

I want to be the mom capable of pulling all of this together.

I want to be the mom who can clean up the same mess for the 17th time, and thank Jesus for the sweet hands that made it.

I want to be the mom who can speak calmly, and with love, when it looks like the postal worker might be dialing the police.

I am not that mom.

I am simply the mom God made for these boys.

Some days, it makes sense.

Today, I am scratching my head and wondering what the God of the Universe could possibly have planned for us.

Either way, there is no way around it. I am a human being. Flawed. Sinning. Imperfect.

My children are human beings. Flawed. Sinning. Imperfect.

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

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I may not be the mom I want to be. But I am exactly the mom God has chosen for these boys.

Today, this is what I’ve got. I will not grow weary of doing good.

I will not give up.

And in due season, we will reap.


When You're Not The Mom You Want To Be

 

17 thoughts on “When You’re Not The Mom You Want To Be

  1. Boy do I know how you feel today. My oldest daughter with high functioning autism had a huge meltdown onthe way out the door to a homeschool fieldtrip. It was over the fact that there only two crunchy granola bars my 6 yr old decided to smash the granola on to her head which made my 2yr old scream and pee on the floor. We didnt make it to the fieldtrip! I have to say sometimes things just dont go as planned. I’ll just keep praying through the excitement!

  2. I am with you in these trenches, for sure. I am feeling encouraged after reading this, though. It’s so nice to know I’m not alone in thinking I’m not the mom I should be and in having kids who can make big messes and punch each other in public. Theme song for today: Onward Christian Soldier. 🙂

  3. I have followed your blog for a while now, and you seem to be a much, much better mom than you think! You are sensitive to your children’s needs, especially to the sensory sensitivities that can make life so very difficult for kids. You are flexible and allow your sons to live life in a way that they can not only tolerate, but also enjoy and that they will remember fondly when they are grown. You seem to value your children the way they are and not based on how they are able to fit the mold. One of the things I most fondly remember about my mom is that she was always on our side (even when we were pesty teenagers). My mom gave us the benefit of a doubt and always, always stood up for us. It was because she always saw the best in my brother and me, that we lived up to our true potential. Yes, the household sometimes fell behind and sometimes she yelled at us, but what brings tears to my eyes and keeps me going when things get tough is that her love was unconditional. You also seem to always put your children first, trying to figure out what they need even when they act out a little. Your love for them comes across as completely unconditional. If that is not DIVINE, I do not know what is!

  4. So forgive me for the semi-anonymous comment, but let me get this off my chest. I want to cry when I read this. Because my husband and I spent and last three hours (with two or three to go) cleaning the house while my children made more messes. I’ve tried yelling, threatening, punishment, grace, understanding and cooperation. None of it motivates them. My husband is easily embarrassed by the state of our home (I have reached the not caring stage) and didn’t want the babysitter to come tomorrow night. So I will spend 6 plus hours cleaning for a dinner out that might last two hours. Yet, when my husband suggested we just cancel I cried and said I’d stay up all night to finish. Because under all this crazy, horrible, difficulty with a high needs newborn, a stubborn nearly four year old and almost as stubborn six year old; I actually love them all. But if I don’t get some one on one time with my hubby (who is currently on the verge of a serious relapse in his chronic depression) I may go crazy.
    Because I don’t want to forget why we got married and started this circus of ours. So I am very weary, and sometimes I want to give up. But I haven’t yet, so I’ll just keep putting one (metaphorical and literal) foot in front of the other.

    1. Oh Bethany, I wish I could come over and clean the bathroom for you!
      May I please commend you on your heart to protect your marriage. I think the grace you have for your husband is an example of how you are taking the next step.
      I am praying for you and yours right this second.
      Love,
      Shawna

  5. What if I feel all of this and have a marriage that is even worse. At least you all talk about these wonderful hubbys that you want time with.

    1. I hear that a lot, from other moms in desperate situations. I am so sorry you are struggling with the pain of a difficult marriage on top of all of this. There were a few years that were tough, really tough for my husband and I too. It made everything so much harder – I think that’s why I write so much about him now. I am grateful for the work God has done in both of us.
      I am praying for your heart and your marriage right this minute.

  6. That kitchen pic and the story about the kids at the post office are spot on – happens here every day. Somehow knowing we’re not the only ones helps. Thank-you for writing Shawna.

  7. As I read your post, sometimes the shame plays in my head. It’s ok for you to have dirty laundry and a messy bathroom. But not me. But then I hear your voice, even though we have never met. You tell me to quiet that shame voice. You tell me that I am doing my best. I hear you tell me to take a deep breath and keep going. Thank you.

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